Speaker Standards….

September 3, 2006

regarding “speaker standards,” maybe you haven’t heard….

– I won the “Cat’s Meow” award at a conference once and am a 4 time winner of “Most Likely to Suck Seed” award

– I’ve been called “better than canned corn” by CCB television (did I tell you that they were amazed that I got *3* blog comments during my TV interview with them!)

– At DROP in Europe, I was the third highest ranked speaker (hmmm..there was only a model and retired milkman with no teeth as the other speakers)…but I was third!

– (editor’s note: there’s a first for everything…a real blogger actually used the following phrase…it’s too perfectly arrogant to change so I’ll cut and paste his words in full.  sometimes reality is funnier than parody)  “And, there aren’t many people alive who’ve interviewed the Office Live team as well as the Google Calendar team as well as the guy who runs the company that makes Open Office.”    (http://scobleizer.wordpress.com/2006/09/01/listening-to-shelley-powers-about-women-in-tech/  see comment #42)

– I’ve name-dropped every executive known to man, tamed tigers, incited wars, quelled rebellions, started revolutions, and ended bar fights. The syndication method SRR was even named after ME! When will you understand that it’s all about ME! If you know someone with better credentials and emails to prove it, show ME! 

Don’t take what I am saying as arrogance…just confidence. I’m so misunderstood. Besides, I dont really need to be a speaker anyway for the masses anyway.  My Google Juice is already back…so there!


My Google Juice Is Back

September 2, 2006

I’m again the #1 Scobert on Google with only three non-wordpress links on my blogroll.  Everyone is getting reacquainted with the new Scobert.  Just type in “Scobert Roble” and click, “I’m feeling lucky”….  hehe

When All Else Fails….

September 2, 2006

When all else fails, I can always just blog about my old work on Nannel Chine (back when you guys loved ME!). You’ll get to watch something good while I can wax nostalgic about the “good old days”. 

I wish that Todpech could have videos like Nannel Chine but you guys dont let me off of the hook for my softball questions.  Sure, I could ask more meaningful questions of technology leaders or even have a three minute “hotseat”  set of questions where I ask hard questions about the lack of diversity and such, but then I’d have to actually take a risk to make change  (and who wants to take a risk? I prefer to do things like make mention of diversity in a non-actionable way so I can claim victory, google juice, and some MechTeme power later). 

Besides, if I take a risk and ask hard questions, I’d have to actually demonstrate critical thinking, perform some due diligence on a given companies issues, be knowledgable about their products, and then actually ask the hard questions (in front of them!). It’s easier just to parrot back PR’s talking points and reap the benefits.

I didn’t sign up for risk-taking….besides PR might not ever invite ME! back.

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Are You Going To Believe Your Lying Eyes Or Will You Believe ME!

September 1, 2006

I clearly have a lot of haters people that are confused about the lengths to which I’ll go to maintain my A-list status the purpose of my blog.  They are just jealous that they can’t be working just as hard to be an A-somethinglister like ME!  But I was talking to a coward geek that didnt have the balls to sign his name will remain nameless and he gave me a half an hour of boring Z-list chit chat tips on  some secret weapons to use in response to these losers people:

Minions: How I pity their miserable existence love them (if only for their visits, links, and boost to my page rank dedicated readership that I’m truly shocked humbled by).  Every day, I’m totally surprised honored that they continue read my whiny drivel blog They’ll always tell how great my site is even though I have absolutely no responsibility to answer their silly emails I am a really busy VP at TodPech person. The rabble  dedicated readership is always good for stroking my ego providing interesting feedback.  Clearly, my branding is effective having me as an online friend has value.  Thanks for playing! so much. 

Somewhat Highly Placed But Influential Friends:  When the heat gets really bad on my blog, I can always count on some idiot one of my web n.0 influential friends to jump in and say surprising nice things like, “Scobert is one of the biggest jerks nicest and most arrogant intelligent people I know”.  Much like an expert witness true friend should, they’ll even say these things in the absence of any demonstration of these attributes on my part when I am working to stir up buzz at my  most vulnerable point.  What I can’t figure out love most is that these comments usually come after I’ve posted something A) really stupid somewhat controversial, B) highly libelous in response to attackers, or C) extremely mean without provocation or rationale words that could be considered a bit strongly worded.  I don’t even have to pay ask for this show of support. It goes to show that sometimes some links,  a little merlot, and a few kisses in the “rear parking area” building a true friendship can be worth their weight in gold.

Cool Stories:  I’m not just all about otherwise meaningless web n.0 stuff tech.  I have another side that yearns to convince you to buy books through my Zamaon affiliation show you other things much broader than just tech.  I’ve covered everything from tricks to boost the number of eyeballs how to improve content on your site to showing you where the blogs and high speed internet connections are the beauty and majesty of my favorite bed and breakfast nature in Montana.  I’ve posted articles on effective web 2.0 Bebay affilate business strategies as well.

My New Job: My new job is a great way to divert attention away from my shortcomings diversify the conversations on my blog. I was a bit afraid of losing that sweet gig at Sicromoft taking on a new role in some two-bit startup new media.  That was, of course, until I realized that my Scobert Roble brand could easily outgrow theirs met the honest, hardworking folks at TodPech.  After three months, I still dont have any announced strategy or any vision for future direction am getting settled in and look forward to establishing RoblelizerTV in such a way that only grow my own brand contributing to the team.

In short, don’t hate the player – hate the game worry, I’ve realized that I can easily still fool you the A-List has changed me.  I’m working on tricks to attract and bring in more sheep like ewe making my blog more fun for everyone.

Peace! Out!  Should be an interesting day!

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Why Is My Page Rank Dropping?

August 31, 2006

Am I not your entire Web N.0 universe anymore?  You used to love ME! and now?

I’ve lost my gift – no one is linking.  I’m one dude in serious need of a hug (and perhaps more names to drop).   Maybe I need to think about how my style and attitude have changed since leaving Sicromoft.  Or I’ll just blame it on boredom or changes in the web, because it couldn’t possibly be ME!  (I like that better)

Minions…?  Hello….?  Why is there an echo in my blog-o-sphere?

I’ve Got A Secret

August 30, 2006

I know lots of secrets because people write me about stealth tech projects.  They tell me that not only that is the project stealthy and secret but also that I cant tell anyone.  Generally what I’ll do is either play “connect the dots” or (my favorite way to jerk around Z-Listers) “I’ve got a secret”.  I have entire blog posts dedicated to telling you  absoluutely nothing.

“Cark Muban is up to something but I can’t tell you what…”

“{Insert Company name here} is going to announce something special but I’m under NDA….”

“I sat in on a famous bender of paperclips and understand Sicromoft’s paperclip strategy…..”

Thats how I like it – keep telling ME! everything and I’ll keep it secret…(unless of course it can put me first on MechTeme)

SRR, the way to go

August 29, 2006

Syndicated Roble Ramblings (SRR) is some sort of technology invented by someone else that lets people completely copy your blog posts in full and requires a separate app to use it (as well as carnal knowledge of XML and three arms with 15 fingers). There is no need for precision on my part here – for me everything is all about the VB IDE and any acronym with more than two letters is only techo-mumbo-jumbo to me.  I have faith that my minions are just shocked and awed with the full depth of my understanding about SRR (at least the marketeers and evangelists anyway).

Isn’t the value of SRR just insanely obvious based on my description above? Everyone should be using it right now in place of email, gravity, breathing, and cheesefries. (Oops…may have gone a bit far with the cheesefries hehe)  I’d link you to a few websites in private beta that use SRR but, oh yeah, you z-listers actually have to ask for a password.  sigh.

SRR is definitely the new pink – or the new “salmon” for those of you that don’t wear pink.  For some odd reason, everyone doesn’t use SRR today even though I’ve talked to 4000 industry leaders about it.  I even tried to blog about it from a Wal-mart in Montana. Although the smiley face hat may have helped in Montana, perhaps no one outside of the MechTeme circle will ever use SRR.  But SRR is why I am in the tech business – “tech” is defined as the having the following 5 criteria – Mechteme, TodPech, page rank, and Sicromoft. (It’s 4 I know but I’ve defined it as 5 in my book so dont argue, k?)  When you break free of the Z-List, you’ll gain pearls of wisdom at closed private tech elite functions where not just anyone gets an invite.  Witty, homespun sayings are just one of the benefits of these functions….

I’ll share one homespun saying for my minions to generate buzz about ME! – I’ll tell you the story about how I learned that success is only about adding a penny every day (or something like that but who cares if I get it right).  An old guy with a beard, thread-bare suit, and gnarled knuckles once asked me for a quarter (ugg, I disdain poor people unless they are geeks then thats ok and trust me this guy had no Smartphone) Since even he said “no” to my offer of my old red couch which has had many famous butts seated in it, I turned him down for the quarter of course. I still can’t figure why he called me an arrrrrrrrrooogggggggaaaannnnntttt baaaaasssstttaaaarrrrrdddddd (doesn’t he know that I once complained about the plight of poor people to Beve Stallmer at Sicromoft? Of course, I was referring to employees level 64s and below like ME!)   While blogging in my box seat (courtesy of Cark Muban) at the ballpark, the bum did get me thinking however, so be prepared to hang on every one of the following words:

“If you save a penny every day for 30 days that you’ll have more pennies than you can shake a stick at without being crooked as a dog’s hind leg. ”

So, minions, time to put ME! at the top of MechTeme! This philosophy has totally redefined why I am a geek.  Live it, breathe it, and use SRR (but don’t steal mine! I don’t care if “syndicated” is part of the acronym and fundamental definition of the functionality. It’s  my Google juice, Mine! Mine! Mine!)

Why Name Dropping Works

August 28, 2006

Unlike you Z-Listers that only hang out with your friends, I only hang out with important people and son. (I only blog with my wife when I need something and throw her links when her page rank begins to wane – she’s impossible to find when she isnt the first entry in the search engines).  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I keep my cell phone number on my blog, blah, blah blah, but that isnt isnt for you…just people that can give me page rank.

Hanging out with only important people accomplishes a few important things (important to ME! anyway and that’s all that matters).  First, I can constantly name-drop about Gill Bates, Cark Muban, and other near-celebrities in order to remind you of how important I am and keep others from entering the A-List. This works even if I am only tangentially part of their group – even if that means that my son and I are in deli and the founder of a search engine asks me where the napkins are (one of my most memorable conversations by  the way).   If you feel bad that you aren’t pal’ing around with such folks, you should. 

Second, name dropping is great Googlebait.  Looking for any high profile tech person in a search engine?  Chances are you’ll find my site near the top of the choices with the high mix of recognized names and tech buzz words.  A guy has to protect his A-list position (even ME!), you know. Since every web 2.0 CEO has me on speed dial, I can be among the first to spread gossip and rumor.  Every once in a while, I can even mix in some libel and slander (being a journalism major, I know all about that one). Getting the huddled masses stirred up makes for effective Googlebait.

Thirdly, I can create ever tighter logic circles.  Things like A) lunch with Gill Bates B) have Ike Marrington tag along and then long after Gill Bates picks up the tab C) establish a point important to ME! in a future post along the lines of “if this wasn’t important, why did Gill Bates have lunch with Ike Marrington?”  Master stroke – thanks for playing.

Fourth, no one has yet figured out that as nice as I am in my posts, I can be mean in my comments.  My minions love this and hey, we all know, that no one with any juice reads the comments anyway. The thread stopping comment is always, “have you talked to 4000 industry leaders about this?  ”  No one knows that its actually only 3752 (I always round up).

Lastly, I’m teeing up my son to take over the reins because blogging will be around forever. He always good for some google bait keywords around a certain large tech company anyway. Much like I easily turned my wife into an A-list blogger with a few links, I’ll gladly do the same when it’s time to pass the torch in return.

Blog Scoop Shocker: OMG, did you know that you could blog from your cell phone? Am I first on MechTeme with that?

This Guy Is Bad…

August 27, 2006

This guy is bad…pull his ads

This guy is bad…pull his ads

This guy is bad…pull his ads

{wait a sec, maybe it’s that guy not this guy…it’s ok, I have lots of blog visitor capital to expend and none of the Z-List sheep will remember anyway}

That guy is bad…pull his ads

That guy is bad…pull his ads

 UPDATE: Since this blog is about ME!, I can be wrong as often as I please and none of my minions will care.  Anyone who thinks differently is actually working for competitors or posting as anonymous cowards…make a note of that.

Post-Web 2.0 Business Model Per Scobert Roble

August 27, 2006

I recently posted about a business model for web 2.0 companies to become affiliates at an auction site for reselling other people’s junk.  Now that a recently defunct web 2.0 company has sold at that site for over $250,000, why not just focus your affiliation on these type of companies and pick up a percentage of the hefty fees as the bubble bursts.  Forget your customers and your software…focus on the fees, baby!

The president and CEO of {insert name of large company here – it really doesn’t matter which as it is will be equally true} that I’m 100% sheer genius….

he’s right…just ask ME!  hehe